


Habit

by leirabeans



Series: You Made My Dawn [2]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, F/M, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Non-Chronological, Self-Esteem Issues, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-10-14 04:24:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17501513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leirabeans/pseuds/leirabeans
Summary: Jihoon was broken. For years, he had spent so much time trying to prove to the person he loved that he was worth it. For years, he had constantly battled with his own insecurities, his own demons. Yet one day, his savior came in the form of a mop of washed-out blonde hair, a button nose, small upturned eyes, and a perpetual smile. Kwon Soonyoung came, and with his soft touches and warm chuckles, he made Jihoon whole again.





	Habit

**Author's Note:**

> I want to tell you that I miss you  
> Now that you’re gone, it’s become a habit.  
> The habit of calling/searching for you.  
> I live on without being able to erase it,  
> Because of you.  
> \- [Habit, Al1 Track 2 ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lta7Ta7_ak4)

Jihoon was broken. For years, he had spent so much time trying to prove to the person he loved that he was worth it. For years, he had constantly battled with his own insecurities, his own demons. Yet one day, his savior came in the form of a mop of washed-out blonde hair, a button nose, small upturned eyes, and a perpetual smile. Kwon Soonyoung came, and with his soft touches and warm chuckles, he made Jihoon whole again.

But then, he was gone. A little too soon, a little too late.

Jihoon wasn’t broken anymore. He was utterly, completely, and irrevocably destroyed.

 

The thing about pain was that it never truly leaves you. You could deny its existence. You could numb its intensity. You could convert it to its other forms. Yet ultimately, it’s still there. It’s still deep inside you, gnawing you from the inside until there was nothing left but a gaping hole. Jihoon lived with that monster inside him. Jihoon knew pain like the back of his hand. He’s had his fair share of agony and yet here he was, holding hands with anguish itself. Only this time, the pain would never go away. The pain would never lessen.

You could say that Jihoon and suffering had an interesting relationship. It had latched onto Jihoon for as long as he could remember, that he had learned how to embrace it. He had learned that ignoring pain would not make it go away. That was what Seungcheol was doing. He also knew that denying its existence didn’t mean that it wasn’t there. That was what Mingyu thought. Finally, he understood that once pain had touched you, it would break you like it broke glass. You could try to piece the broken parts together but the scars would always be there. The scars would always remind you. The scars would always make you weaker. No matter how hard Jisoo tried to fix his friends, they were beyond repair.

Hence, Jihoon faced pain. Fuck, he even invited it. While Seungcheol and Mingyu were burying themselves in work, Jihoon was drowning himself in alcohol and in lust. It didn’t numb his pain. Instead, it intensified his agony. Jihoon liked that. It was better than feeling nothing. The pain was a constant reminder that he was alive. That he was still breathing even after his essence had died when Soonyoung had left him.

 

It was a Friday night. Jihoon had told his friends that he was staying with his older brother, Yoongi. Yet there he was, squeezing into his tightest leather jeans. He wore a black sleeveless satin top with an exposing neckline. With eyeliner smudging his eyes and mousse in his jet black hair, Jihoon was almost ready. He grabbed a bottle of vodka from under his bed, his hidden stash, took a big gulp and then left his room without a glance.

Carats was his favorite club in town. The music was good, the alcohol was cheap, the people were desperate. Just the way Jihoon needed it tonight. As he entered, he could hear a deep voice lagging behind him. It said, _“Jihoonnie, are you ready to go wild tonight?”_

Jihoon turned briefly, finding two women in tight skimpy dresses making out in the space where the voice, _Jeonghan’s voice,_ had come from. Jihoon bit onto his lower lip, eyes unfocused as he spearheaded to the sea of sweaty bodies and let alcohol take control of him.

 

It happened often. When Jihoon was walking to class, when he was trying on different clothes, when he was making breakfast, when he gazed at the starry night, and every time Jihoon saw Seungcheol. He could hear Jeonghan’s voice. He could hear how his best friend would comment, how his best friend would laugh, how his best friend would snort. Jeonghan had been a constant fixture in Jihoon’s life ever since he met the other in highschool. Although Jeonghan’s bestfriend was Jisoo, Jihoon had always been the closest to Jeonghan. The older had never made him feel inferior to Jisoo and treated him just as significantly.

But Jeonghan wasn’t here anymore. He wasn’t there to persuade Jihoon to grow out his hair like Jeonghan had. He wasn’t there to stop Jihoon from drinking his sorrows away. _He wasn’t there anymore. Jeonghan, his other half, had left him. Just as Soonyoung had._

It wasn’t until Jihoon was shoving his tongue down some guy’s throat in the club’s bathroom that his mind snapped taut back like an overextended string. It wasn’t the guy’s horrible tongue tricks that unhazed his clouded mind. Rather, it was the other guy who had just walked into the stall. His hair was a questionable shade of brown, his lips a little too thick. Yet, he was wearing a red leather jacket and black shirt underneath. Jihoon suddenly felt sick. He pushed the guy, who was hungrily kneading his ass, away and rushed outside the club as he struggled to catch his own breath.

 

The same club where he met Soonyoung, who was wearing a red leather jacket and a black shirt underneath, more than a year ago.

 

 

“Jihoonnie… stop drinking and go dance!” Jeonghan was whining, his nasal voice shrilling. Jihoon begrudgingly turn to his best friend, who was clad in a white floral dress shirt with too many buttons undone and tight black pants. Jeonghan’s eyeliner painted eyes were rimmed red, indicating that he was drunk. Jihoon sighed; his best friend was already drunk after pre-gaming. He had planned to get completely wasted tonight and babysitting a drunk Jeonghan was not on his to-do list at all.

 

“Hyung’s right. Stop drinking tequila like it’s fucking water and get your booty some good dick instead.” Seokmin added, draping his arm over a sleazy smiling Jeonghan, who was trying to focus his hazel eyes.

“No dick. Hoonie doesn’t need dicks. He shouldn’t be dating dicks!” Jeonghan remarked, trying to sit up and failing. Jihoon’s stomach turned at Jeonghan’s words.

Seokmin laughed fondly, “I got him, Hoon. Don’t worry.”

“Seriously, go and have fun! We’ll babysit Hannie for you.” Seungkwan was saying, running his hands up and down his boyfriend’s, Hansol, muscular arm.

 

Jihoon gave a weak smile, “Fine, no need to throw me out.” He replied as his friends cheered him on. As soon as Jihoon had left their booth, his chest tightened and tears sprung up to his eyes. He hated how his friends treated him like a child: as if he was made of glass, as if he was weak and powerless.

Because that was exactly how _he_ had treated him.

Because that was exactly how Jihoon felt for years and even after months since their separation.

 

Jihoon could feel the familiar tide of despair and self-doubt looming over him. Hence, Jihoon did the only thing he knew how to do. He ran away from feeling itself.

With the alcohol thumping in his veins, Jihoon rolled his hips to the music. There were pairs of hands on his skin, but he couldn’t even be bothered to look at its owners or to discern where those hands were. Because deep inside, _Jihoon knew_. He knew how those dirty hands made him feel coveted. At that moment, that was exactly what Jihoon wanted, what he needed. When you have been dating someone, who made you feel unwanted and unnecessary, for years, it’s pathetically incredible to find out to what extent you would go to in order to feel desirable again. So Jihoon closed his eyes, relished on the craving touches, and lived for the next beat.

It seemed years later when the buzz was wearing off and the fatigue was catching up to Jihoon. He knew then that he either needed another drink to numb himself or needed to go home and cuddle Jeonghan. As Jihoon finally opened and focused his eyes, his gaze gravitated towards a pair of onyx orbs, which was watching him with great intensity. The owner of the said eyes was a fair, lean and tall guy with wash-out blonde hair sitting near the bar, donning an eye-catching red leather jacket and a black shirt underneath. His gaze continued to pierce through Jihoon as he raised a shot to his thick lips, long and slim fingers deftly wrapped around the shot glass.

Jihoon couldn’t help but imagine how those fingers would feel around his cock or along his prostate, inside him.

So Jihoon did the next thing that made sense in his hazy mind: he walked towards the guy, armed with hooded eyes and a tongue running across his plump lower lip.

 

“Do you wanna go somewhere?” were Jihoon’s first words. The other guy’s small eyes widened momentarily and an amused smirk escaped his thick lips.

Jihoon could feel his stomach churn at the guy’s response. What was he thinking? That this guy would actually like him enough to spend the night with him? How could he forget how _fat, unattractive, and childish_ he looked? He wasn’t the type of person you would bring home for incredible sex. He was the type of person that you would want to pet and then throw away when you’re sick of it- that was what _he_ had told him. Yet Jihoon let the alcohol get the best of him and now, here he was: making a fool of himself. Did he really think that a sleeveless black top and tight leather jeans would make him desirable because-

“My place, then.” His voice was surprisingly rough. Jihoon wondered how would the guy sound once he was pumping his cock inside Jihoon. He looked at Jihoon expectedly, waiting for a reply. Jihoon hurriedly nodded before he could doubt himself, like every single time.

The guy flashed another smirk before he grabbed Jihoon’s hand, enveloping his long fingers around Jihoon’s small hand as they weaved through a sea of disoriented bodies. At that moment, Jihoon completely forgot about drunk Jeonghan in Seokmin’s arms. He completely disregarded the fact that he was going home with a stranger without his wallet or his phone. He completely ignored the loud music thumping around him. Because at that moment, all he could focus on was how harm, how secure, how _right_ that hand felt around his.

 

 

“Hey, do you need a ride?” A female voice was purring behind Jihoon as a soft hand ran down his bare arm, appreciating his well-built muscles. He was standing outside the club, hand extended and pressed on the wall to support his weight as his head was downcast. He felt sick to the bones, nauseous and breathless, as the spiraling memory of the guy in the bathroom returned to him.

He turned to the female, finding a pair of bloodshot eyes, lipstick that was too red for her skin, and a dress so short it left nothing for creativity. She was exactly what Jihoon was looking for, a far cry from Soonyoung. So Jihoon tried to smile and repeated the same words that haunted him every night as he drunk his agonies away, “My place, then.”

 

Jihoon liked feeling pain. He had lived with it for so long that he had grown accustomed to it. More importantly, suffering had helped him realize that he was still here, alone and broken in this world. In fact, it was the only reminder that he was still living. Not alive, just living. So, every time he went clubbing, he would take someone home with him. Someone to bury himself into/with and relive his memories with Soonyoung. Jihoon didn’t want to forget. Jihoon wanted to feel. Jihoon wanted to see or to hear Soonyoung, even if it was just in his imagination; even if it was Soonyoung glaring at him with hatred, just like Jihoon deserved.

As Jihoon lost himself to the girl’s frantic touches and sloppy kisses, a firm hand enveloped his slim wrist. He pulled away from the tongue he was dancing with, a tongue that was not Soonyoung’s, and was met with a pair of jaded doe eyes. Seungcheol watched Jihoon with a sad, grim expression. He looked at Jihoon so sadly; Jihoon felt pathetic.

“What?” Jihoon demanded defensively, feeling his hard-built walls to protect his insecurities come up instantly.

Seungcheol, on the other hand, ignored Jihoon and addressed red lipstick girl, “I’ll get you a cab.” Seungcheol proceeded to untangle the two, gently pushing away Jihoon from her.  The girl looked surprised, turning to Jihoon with questioning eyes.

Jihoon kept his gaze on Seungcheol, what the fuck is he suddenly trying to do? Seungcheol had been letting Jihoon wallow in his own chamber of misery. What changed now? “What the fuck, Choi?” Jihoon snarled. He was rapidly turning mad at the younger. Seungcheol might think that he was helping Jihoon but instead, he was taking away Jihoon’s only chance to see Soonyoung tonight.

 

Seungcheol tugged at Jihoon harder, addressing the girl as he continued, “My friend had too much to drink for tonight. I’ll walk you out.”

The girl glared at Seungcheol and waited for Jihoon to say something. When Jihoon just continued to stare at Seungcheol with chocolate eyes slowly concentrating, the girl let out an offended snarl before walking out.

“What was that about?” Jihoon hissed, eyes hard and jaws locked.

Seungcheol met his glare then, “You’ll regret it in the morning.”

“Oh yeah?” Jihoon mocked, sarcasm dripping from his voice as he continued, “And who do you think you are to tell me what to do?” Ugly memories from the past year slowly clouding his intoxicated mine.

Seungcheol scratched his neck. His eyes were red and face was pallid as he muttered, “Hoon, I’m not telling you what to do. I’m just looking out for you.”

“Don’t.” Jihoon’s voice was deadly calm, eyes arctic. “You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to look out for me.” Jihoon could feel the last thread of his barely existent sanity snapping.

“Go inside your room, I’ll grab you a glass of water.” Seungcheol replied condescendingly, as if Jihoon was a child who needed tending. As if he was the useless Jihoon he was again, the one he was before he had met Soonyoung.

 “Why now, Choi? I’ve been bringing girls and guys before. Why’d you suddenly decided to say something now, huh?” Jihoon whispered, reining in his anger and losing the battle to do so.

Seungcheol paused. “Soonyoung wouldn’t want to see you like this.”

There was a deafening silence.

Jihoon saw red.

He barked a hollow, broken chuckle, “Don’t you fucking dare talk about Soonyoung. Don’t you fucking dare make it seem like I’m cheating on him. Last time I checked, _you_ did that to Jeonghan. Of all the people! I’m not a cheater, _you are_.”

 

A door behind him slammed close.

 

Jihoon slumped onto the ground, knees weak and tears threatening to spill.

“He’s only looking out for you, you know that.” A warm, sweet voice emerged from somewhere in the room.

Simultaneously hopeful and devastated, Jihoon looked up to find his Soonyoung lying on his side of bed. His small eyes boring into Jihoon with that fierce disapproval Jihoon had grown accustomed to. Before Jihoon could stand, dive on the bed, and into his arms, Soonyoung had disappeared. _His Soonyoung had disappeared again._ It was this illusion, this fragment of his memories that he could latch onto that pushed him to this harrowing path of self-destruction. He might be wasting his life on alcohol and meaningless sex. Yet after all those disgusting moments, he would able to see a sliver of Soonyoung again. It was this moment that made all the self-loathing worth it. It was the same image, which was the reason he always balled up sobbing every morning.

 

 

Soonyoung rolled from atop and landed beside Jihoon. The taller let out an exhausted groan as Jihoon laid spineless on his bed, completely satiated and spent. The blonde had just finished milking his dick relentlessly inside Jihoon’s very sore hole. Admittedly, it was the best lay of his life. Jihoon closed his eyes, fatigue washing over him. The other man let out another grunt and that was Jihoon’s cue to leave. Similar to any other hook-up, he wrapped his arms around his lithe body, rose from the bed, and gathered his clothes and whatever’s left of his dignity he could muster.

“Where are you going?” The blonde man asked, his voice raw from the whims of pleasure. The other faced Jihoon, his onyx eyes watching Jihoon like a wolf studying its prey.

Jihoon was confused, “Ehm.. Home?” He croaked, voice tinier than his usual insecure voice.

The other grunted, “Shame.”

“Excuse me?”

“I was hoping you’d stay the night so I can fuck your plump lips raw with my morning wood tomorrow.” Soonyoung answered; his tone was completely casual despite the desire swimming in his eyes.

Jihoon, ever the intellectual that he was, remained standing like a deer caught in headlights. Was this beautiful, greatly sexually-endowed man really asking Jihoon to stay the night so they could fuck again in the morning? _No, you’re a good one-lay. Don’t misinterpret what he’s saying. Who’d want to fuck your fat ass again?_ The menacing voice inside Jihoon’s head that sounded like _him_ quipped. Misinterpret? But the man was quite explicit and clear on his intentions. How else could he have-

“We didn’t get to do _that_ , you know.” A mischievous smile broke Jihoon from his internal battle.

Jihoon wasn’t sure what it was that propelled him to respond the way he did back then. Maybe it was the promise in Soonyoung’s eyes. Maybe it was how _safe_ he felt when Soonyoung had stared into his soul as the other dove inside him. Maybe he knew back then, that Soonyoung was more than just a good fuck… that Soonyoung was everything he could ever need, could ever want. Silencing the doubts that sprang to every corner of his mind, Jihoon bit his lower lip and cooed, “We should. Do that, I mean.”

That was the first of the endless nights he spent wrapped securely and lovingly around Soonyoung’s warm arms.

 

Somehow, Jihoon found himself on Soonyoung’s bed whenever their schedules worked. It turned out that the two had been attending the same university, with Jihoon majoring in Music and Soonyoung majoring in Agriculture. It was difficult to imagine the gruff-on-bed man gently working on flowers and plants yet this was the image Jihoon walked into as Soonyoung invited him over on a Wednesday night.

“Soonyoung?” Jihoon asked, uncertain at the picture in front of him. Soonyoung, with a focused frown on his face, was clad in black sweats and surrounded by pieces of paper and petri dishes of seeds on his bed.

He made a noncommittal grunt as a reply. It had been three weeks since the two had been sleeping together and Jihoon had come to learn that while Soonyoung was an overly lively and energetic man, he was a man of few words when he was concentration on something (Jihoon’s ass or those seeds).

Unsure, Jihoon stood still near the door. Was he supposed to stay? Was he supposed to leave? He had gone to the other’s apartment assuming that he was free to fuck. As the blonde man continued to ignore Jihoon and attend to his coursework, Jihoon felt a sinking feeling pool in his tummy. A vague memory surfaced to his mind, wherein _he_ would throw paper or CDs at Jihoon whenever he decided to visit _him_ unannounced while carrying food. _He_ would shout at Jihoon, complaining that Jihoon was wasting _his_ time and Jihoon could never understand how demanding _his_ work was because he was just an Education major. Jihoon was stupid and never in a million years could he begin to fathom the intricacies of-

“Are you just gonna stand there?” Soonyoung asked amiably and Jihoon spluttered to resurface from the dark place in his mind.

“Hm?” He coherently answered. At this point, Jihoon was convinced that Soonyoung must think of him as a fool.

“I said, have you eaten dinner?” The other repeated, tone devoid of any impatience. Once again, Jihoon was floored. He constantly wondered why Soonyoung never seemed to grow impatient of him, especially when the older had to repeat himself or had to remind Jihoon of deadlines and schedules. Jihoon was used to being snapped at. He instinctively flinched whenever he asked someone to repeat oneself because he expected being shouted at. After all, _he_ always complained that either Jihoon was dumb or deaf, maybe both.

Moreover, Jihoon wasn’t used to the questions that Soonyoung had asked him. The older would call him in the morning after he had spent the night at Soonyoung’s place, asking if he got home safely or if he got to class punctually. Soonyoung would ask him if he wanted to eat before they fuck. Soonyoung would clean both of them up after messy sex with his infectious smile. Soonyoung would ask about Jihoon’s day. The tall man’s actions were neither those of a friends-with-benefits nor of a boyfriend.

“No, not yet. Have you?” Jihoon answered, still standing awkwardly on the door.

Soonyoung nodded, “Great.”

“Should I order something for us?” Jihoon was proud that he was still capable of continuing a conversation.

Still drawn to his work, Soonyoung nonchalantly responded, “No need. Mingyu is coming over with Wonwoo. He’s bringing his home-cooked feast. You’d like it.” Jihoon nodded dubiously. Mingyu was Soonyoung’s younger cousin, who was an education major. His boyfriend and live-in partner was Wonwoo, who was also Soonyoung’s childhood best friend.

“And is Jisoo joining too?” Jihoon asked as he remembered Soonyoung’s roommate and also Jihoon’s sunbae. Jisoo, who was also a music major and Jeonghan’s bestfriend who came back from LA, discovered their “arrangement” after he had walked in while the two were enjoying whipped cream sex in the kitchen.

“Yeah. Come sit with me or you can watch TV in the couch. They’d be here in ten minutes.”

Jihoon shrugged at that, deciding to watch TV and walking out of Soonyoung’s room when something had occurred to him. He was in Soonyoung’s apartment (ready for a good fuck) because the older had invited him so he can join dinner with Soonyoung’s cousin, his best friend, and his roommate. Jihoon somehow felt like the situation was very strange. Why would anyone invite one’s FWB to an intimate dinner?

“Soonyoung.” Jihoon breathed before he could second-guess himself. That had been happening a lot around Soonyoung as well. Jihoon had been filtering himself less around the loud man and instead, asking questions whenever he wanted to know something or requesting things whenever he wanted them. It was a peculiar experience but Soonyoung seemed to enjoy it, answering his questions and whims with a welcoming grin.

“Yes, muffin?” The other looked up from his paper and his onyx eyes met Jihoon. Jihoon’s heart skipped a beat. _Muffin_ , Soonyoung loved to call him that after the older had coaxed him into a strong climax.

Jihoon mentally shook his head to regain focus, “Why am I joining your dinner?” he asked instead.

A confused frown emerged from Soonyoung’s wide forehead and his button nose crinkled, “Because you haven’t had dinner either?”

Soonyoung wasn’t wrong. Jihoon hadn’t had dinner. Yet somehow, that answer was lacking for him. So he continued, “I meant why did you invite me over when you’re clearly busy to join your dinner with your friends?”

Soonyoung was still perplexed, “Because I want you to meet my friends?”

“Why do you want me to meet your friends?” Jihoon pressed. At this point, he was still amazed at Soonyoung’s patience. _He_ would have thrown Jihoon out of _his_ apartment and branded him with insults if it were _him_.

“Because you’re my boyfriend?”

Jihoon’s heart paused. His mind reeled at the word _boyfriend_.

 

Jihoon had only dated and had only loved one guy in his entire life. And _he_ broke Jihoon: made him feel worthless, useless, and unwanted. _He_ made Jihoon feel lucky that _he_ would put up with someone as stupid, as fat, as ordinary as Jihoon, when there were many else who wanted _him_. It’s been months since they had finally broken it off and Jihoon was still piecing himself back. He wasn’t ready to enter that same cycle again. He wasn’t strong enough to go through such a horrendous experience all because of a boyfriend again. So Jihoon did what he was best at, he abandoned all rationale and succumbed to his habit: not listening to any sense and rationale and following his impulses instead. At that moment, it was the impulse to run away from Soonyoung and into Jeonghan, the only one who truly knew and loved him.

 

 

When Jihoon roused from sleep, it was the noise from the shared shower that prompted him to wake. The morning shower clatter had been an all familiar sound for Jihoon. It meant that Seungcheol was awake and sobbing into the bathroom. Seungcheol and Jihoon had coped very differently with their losses. While Jihoon slept around, drank, and wailed, Seungcheol had worked hard to his bones and silently wept in the shower, water drops washing away his tears. Jihoon wasn’t surprised to say the least. The older always had difficulty with expressing his emotions: one of the reasons why his relationship with Jeonghan had been turbulent. He had always put on a façade of a strong, rebellious bad boy when he was nothing but a lonely boy who found happiness with Jeonghan. Yet Seungcheol did not know the pain that Jihoon was suffering from. Seungcheol didn't know the agony of losing the person you loved the most and the person who was your best friend. Jihoon did. Jihoon lost Soonyoung and Jeonghan.

 

 

When Jihoon burst through the door of their apartment, Jeonghan immediately looked up from where he sat on the living room with his molecular biology coursework.

“Hoon?” He breathed, deep voice filled with fear and hazel eyes wide with concern.

“Hannie.” Jihoon croaked before the tall man had engulfed him into a tight hug, whispering “I’m here. I’m here.”

Jeonghan was Jihoon’s anchor. He was the only constant in his life, his bestfriend. Jeonghan knew every single skeleton in Jihoon’s closet, every single peeve he had, and every single insecurity Jihoon had developed throughout the years. While Jihoon wallowed in self-doubt and dread, Jeonghan grew up learning to be comfortable with his own skin. Jeonghan had been strong enough for the both of them, especially when Jihoon needed him the most.

“Hoon.” Jeonghan whispered. The two had been on Jihoon’s bed while the smaller man had bared every single thought that had crossed his mind in this tumultuous evening.

“I need to tell you something. Promise me, you’d listen?” He calmly continued. Jihoon fractionally shrugged, head resting on Jeonghan’s neck.

“You know how you said that the way Soonyoung-hyung treats you isn’t similar to that of a boyfriend’s?”

Jihoon let out a small affirmative.

“He actually does, Hoon. _That bastard_ was the one who didn’t treat you properly as a boyfriend. But Soonyoung does, from what I heard from you and Jisoo. He takes care of you. He cares about you and your day. He makes you feel comfortable and he makes you feel safe. He makes you happy too, Hoon. I’ve seen your smile so don’t even deny that.” A soft chuckle escaped Jeonghan’s lips. “Although that might have to do more with his magic dick.”

Jihoon couldn’t contain the humorous snort that spilled.

At that, Jeonghan caught his chin and bored into Jihoon’s eyes. “I think you should give him a chance. I think he can be good for you. He’s not like _that bastard_ , Jihoon. He wouldn’t treat you like that.”

“But what if he does?” Jihoon’s voice was barely audible even to himself, “What if he does and I don’t catch it until its been years later? Until it’s too late again and there’s no part of me left this time?”

Jeonghan flashed his signature angelic smile, “Do you think I would let him?”

At that, Jihoon’s eyes widened. “You wouldn’t. You would never let anyone hurt me. Just like I would never let anyone hurt you.”

Jeonghan nodded earnestly before breaking the solemn moment with a comment, “Except my Seungcheol, cause I like it when he spanks me even if it hurts and I can’t sit for two days.”

Jihoon chuckled despite himself, “The only exception, then.” Humor drained, he added, “Promise me you won’t let that happen to me again, Tae?”

“I promise, Hoon. I’ll always be there too. I’ll never let you down. I’ll never leave you. You’d have to bear my ass bugging you for warm milk even in our next lifetime.”

The duo laughed at that image, ridiculous yet entirely plausible.

That night, Jeonghan kept one of his promises. Soonyoung was, as Jeonghan had expected, everything Jihoon could have ever dreamed of.

Yet Jeonghan also broke one of his promises.

He left Jihoon.

All alone in this miserable world, to fend for his broken self.

 

 

 

Jisoo strolled into Jihoon and Seungcheol’s apartment leisurely as Jihoon was cooking robotically.

“Hey, Hoon!” The other man greeted him enthusiastically, a plastic bag full of soda in his hand.

“Hey hyung.” Jihoon greeted off-handedly before he returned to the stove and added, “You’re not welcome here with your nonalcoholic drink, by the way.”

He heard Jisoo snort and fall on the couch. “We can still enjoy a movie without getting shit-faced, you know.”

“Bold of you to assume I will be joining you for a movie after this.” Jihoon scoffed.

“Well, where are you heading to then?”

Jihoon paused, uncertain whether he should inform Jisoo of his latter whereabouts when the other would definitely judge him.

“Well?” The older pressed.

“Carats.” Jihoon muttered.

There was a short-lived silence before Jisoo sighed, “You’re avoiding me, aren’t you?”

 

 

 

“You’re avoiding him, aren’t you?” Jisoo asked as he sat across Jihoon in the nearest coffee shop.

Jihoon, who was trying to salvage this semester’s grade by actually meeting his deadlines, looked up to find Jisoo handing him an iced Americano. Although he was no fool this time around, Jihoon decided to play innocent, “What do you mean, hyung? It’s almost finals! Surely, you don’t expect me to-”

“Come over and fuck Soonyoung?” Jisoo supplied, an easy grin plastered on his face.

Jihoon flinched, “No need to be so vulgar in public.”

Jisoo chuckled lightly, “While I do enjoying having a peaceful sleep at night without having to hear you moan Soonyoung to go faster and harder, I do wish my favorite hoobae would stop avoiding me too.”

“As I said, I’m not avoiding anyone-” Jisoo rolled his eyes, his lips pressed together and dimples peeking, “I am offended that you find my moans insufferable but tolerate others!” Jihoon finished, ignoring Jisoo’s petulant expression.

At that, the older frowned, “Others?”

“It’s not like I’m the first person Soonyoung brought over from a club.” Jihoon muttered, a little too condescending even to his own ears.

“Well, I mean you aren’t the first one but he hasn’t brought one after you.” Jisoo replied nonchalantly to Jihoon’s surpise.

Soonyoung hasn’t brought anyone over ever since?

 

It’s been two weeks since he had run away from the elder’s apartment after Soonyoung had labelled their unknown relationship. While Jeonghan successfully convinced Jihoon that Soonyoung was nowhere like _him_ , Jihoon decided that it was only fair for the both of them if Jihoon were to sort out his feelings first. Unfortunately, that included avoiding Soonyoung altogether. It wasn’t hard though. It was as if Soonyoung magically knew that Jihoon needed space and the other had only messaged him twice in the past two weeks: both of which are pictures of his pet turtle, Tiger. It took all of Jihoon’s willpower to not reply.

Although he knew that it would be impossible to fix himself in these two weeks, Jihoon was still piecing himself back together after his last break-up. What he wanted to accomplish instead was to determine whether having Soonyoung as his boyfriend would help him currently or not. So Jihoon, ever the devout follower of his strange habit, asked his classmates and peers who were currently dating. It was simple, really: he would ask them how their boyfriend had treated them. Jihoon wasn’t doubting that Soonyoung was and would treat him right. But he needed to hear it himself. That showing affection and care was how he should have been treated. It helped him, more than he initially thought it would. He didn’t expect Soonyoung to have been waiting for him or to become celibate even. Jihoon just wanted to be selfish for once, even if that included him taking time off from Soonyoung. Jihoon wanted to know what Jihoon himself needed, what he wanted.

 

“What? Don’t look so shocked, Hoon! Soonyoung isn’t that kind of guy.” Jisoo chuckled, amused at Jihoon’s slacked jaw.

“He literally found me in the club and took me home without even asking for my name??”

Jisoo chuckled a bit more, “He knows who you are. It’s not like he picked up a random stranger.”

Jihoon frowned, “I didn’t know him? We were literally strangers?”

“Wait, what?” At that Jisoo seemed to sobered up and joined the confused bandwagon, “You do realize you’ve met before?”

“Hm, what?”

Jisoo watched the younger with intent wide eyes, “Remember last Christmas when we volunteered at the orphanage? Soonyoung was the one who was dancing with the kids when you sang!”

Jihoon literally could not remember any trace of Soonyoung from that day except for the cherubic faces that smiled at him. “Still not ringing a bell.”

“Well, what about that time that you were so shit-faced like a month ago and you went to my house and he took care of you because I wasn’t around?” Jisoo pressed, eyes eagerly waiting for some recognition.

Jihoon gasped at then, “Wait, what?”

Jisoo shook his head hopelessly, “I can’t believe you’ve been taking advantage of my nice boy Soonyoung like that!”

“I wasn’t!” Jihoon defended despite knowing himself that his defense was nonexistent at this point.

“Whatever, we’re having a party tomorrow to celebrate my acceptance to a master’s program and Soonyoung’s getting an internship at Andromeda Farm. You’re invited whether you like it or not!” Jisoo snapped, a triumphant smile on his face.

“But, but hyung-”

“You owe it to me, because I have the answers to the statistics final exam and Prof. Park always repeats her final exam. And you owe Soonyoung an explanation at least.” The older reprimanded.

Jihoon pouted before heaving a sigh of dejected attendance.

 

When Jihoon walked into the familiar apartment with Jeonghan and Seungcheol towed in his arms, his eyes immediately found a pair of small upright onyx eyes gazing at him. Soonyoung drunk him in, letting his eyes glaze over Jihoon up and down. Jeonghan might have insisted that Jihoon wear a red lacy see-through shirt and his tightest black leather pants. Soonyoung, on the other hand, was wearing a black turtleneck and pants that overall made him look like a very hot agriculture expert Jihoon would trust with his farm into (not that he had any). As the two of them watched each other, Jihoon could feel the sexual tension slowly suffocate him. Jeonghan must’ve felt the flickers of electricity too since he dragged Jihoon to where Soonyoung was sitting.

“Soonyoungie!” Jeonghan chirped, too enthusiastic for a sober person.

“Jeonghan, Seungcheol.” Soonyoung chirped, without taking his eyes away from Jihoon. His voice, however, dipped into that primitive voice he had reserved for Jihoon only. “ _Muffin_.” Soonyoung growled, almost looking pained that he wasn’t inside Jihoon at this moment.

“Soonyoung.” Jihoon responded, breathless and needy.

A red-faced (and obviously intoxicated) Jisoo giggled at the exchange, “This sexual tension is killing me.”

Jeonghan joined in the laughter, “I mean I came over to congratulate him for his internship but you know what?” He waved his hands flamboyantly, “Might as well sacrifice my roommate to him, you know?” There were chuckles erupting from their small group.

“Well…” Soonyoung ran his lip down his lower lip and Jihoon could have dropped to his knees then and there, “Since you kindly offered, I wonder if your virgin sacrifice here would agree?” He flashed a dark smile before adding, “it is, after all, my celebratory night.”

At that Jihoon regained his skill of speech, “I am no virgin but by all means, lead the way.” Their group wolf-whistled and cheered as Soonyoung rose and headed to his room with Jihoon’s hand in his. It reminded Jihoon of their first night together, of how Soonyoung’s hand felt right around his. It still did.

He ventured one last look to Jeonghan who mouthed, “talk then fuck”.

It was the first time that Jihoon did not succumb to his habit of following his impulse (which was to beg Soonyoung to be inside him) and listened to Jeonghan instead.

 

When Soonyoung’s door closed, Jihoon was immediately pressed up against the door. Despite the loud music outside, all he could hear was Soonyoung’s and his own heavy breathing. The older had leaned in and while Jihoon expected for Soonyoung to inevitably crush his plump lips against the other’s thick ones, he found Soonyoung’s face inches away from his instead. His dark globes of black were filled with such intensity as he studied Jihoon’s face. “Would you like to talk or to suck me off?” He rasped out. His playful demeanor thrown off as soon as the two were alone and his animalistic tendencies were set free.

Jihoon wanted to suck Soonyoung off. He wanted to beg Soonyoung to bend him over the table and take him as the older pleased. He wanted Soonyoung’s dick anywhere inside him possible. Yet he also wanted Soonyoung to do it more than one night. He wanted Soonyoung to do all of those for a long time. So instead he betrayed his impulses and said, “Talk.”

Soonyoung gazed at him heatedly for a moment before slowly loosening his hold on the other. He softly guided Jihoon to his bed, pulling the other onto his lap before he muttered, “Start talking, muffin. This better be good because I missed you for two weeks and also, that hard thing pressing on your ass right now isn’t my phone.”

Jihoon chuckled breathlessly, heart swelling with warmth. There he was, on Soonyoung’s lap as the other tenderly urged him to explain. His heart was fluttering on the sight of the moonlight vaguely providing light in the dark room and Soonyoung’s features. The moonlight barely touched the tip of Soonyoung’s button nose and plump lips. His small onyx eyes, despite being kept in the dark, were illuminating with something Jihoon would later recognize as love. For now, he settled on adoration and it made his knees weak. Simultaneously, the pressure on his ass made his blood boil. He realized then that he wanted this juxtaposition of a man. This man who was so friendly yet dominant. So careless yet devoted. He wanted Soonyoung. He wanted this to work.

“I’m not good enough for you, Soonyoung.” He began, his breath already hitching at his confession. He felt Soonyoung stiffen under his touch but the older made no indication to interrupt so he continued to pour his heart out, “I’m – I’m _broken, defective_ , however you want to call it. I’ve only dated one man and it was an abusive relationship. I’m not fully blaming him for everything that went down between us… but _he_ made me feel worthless and so, so _hideous_?” By now, there was an endless stream of tears falling from Jihoon’s eyes. Soonyoung wiped them with a kiss before whispering, “You’re beautiful.” Then nodded to urge Jihoon to proceed.

With less difficulty after Soonyoung’s supportive gestures, Jihoon resumed, “I’m still working on myself, my own insecurities, and my own issues. When you started treating me so nicely, I didn’t know what was happening because well, I was never treated like that before?”

“That fucking bastard.” Soonyoung hissed.

Jihoon shook his head, “And when you said that we were official, I guess I got scared? That I would be heading down to that path again?”

“I would never.” The other promised, dipping his head to seal a kiss on Jihoon’s shoulder.

“I know. I know that now. I believe you. But, but I just thought that I should lay it out, you know? Tell you the terms and conditions of what you’re getting yourself into?” He let out a nervous laugh. Soonyoung just gazes at him with something akin to yearning.

“That I want to be with you, Soonyoung. I want to be officially with you and be included in your life. But…” he exhaled, slightly shivering to which Soonyoung held him tighter. “I can’t give you all of me, Soonyoung. Not after what I have been through. I’m still piecing myself together and I would like you to be with me along the way.” He finished. He met Soonyoung’s gaze and held his breath.

This was it.

This was the moment he had been dreading for. He had poured out his heart to another man. He couldn’t bear to be rejected or broken again. Yet here he was, handing another man the key to his heart, to his own obliteration.

Soonyoung leaned in to brush their lips together. A firm yet comforting touch. Jihoon started breathing again and melted to Soonyoung’s body.

 

“You’re not defective, Lee Jihoon. You’re fucking beautiful. I’ve seen you with those kids in the orphanage. I’ve seen you working on your projects and practicing your songs until your voice runs out. I’ve seen you dancing on the club with that sinful ass of yours. I’ve seen you on my sheets, taking my cock so well. I’ve seen you on your knees in a public bathroom, swallowing me whole. I’ve seen you asleep, your delicious lips parted as you whisper ‘No Jeonghan! We don’t have strawberry milk anymore!’ And it’s beautiful. All sides of you are beautiful. I want it. I want all of you. All to myself.” Soonyoung answered; voice laced with reverence and onyx eyes swimming with so much warmth, Jihoon felt feverish.

“Then you can have me.” Jihoon breathed.

“I don’t want to have you. You’re not a fucking object.” Jihoon winced, “I want to be _with_ you. Together, as equals.” Soonyoung amended, grinning at Jihoon. It was the brightest smile that Jihoon had ever seen. His nose crinkled, his lips completely upturned, his eyes shaped as crescent moons. Soonyoung smiled with his mouth, his eyes, his _soul_.

Jihoon smiled back. Then rolled his hips on Soonyoung’s dick for safety measure.

The older growled in response.

 

Falling in love with Kwon Soonyoung was the easiest and the most natural thing Lee Jihoon had ever done. There was something serendipitous with their meeting. It was as if the gods have realized that Lee Jihoon had suffered enough for one lifetime and sent their grumbling angel, clad in all black and all smiles, to save him. He accepted Jihoon, for his imperfections and shortcomings. He supported Jihoon, when he was having a particularly bad day from college or when he was feeling extra sensitive. He loved Jihoon, for all Jihoon was, is, and could be. Everything felt natural, felt stable, and felt safe. There were no hidden words and miscommunication like what was happening with Seungcheol and Jeonghan. There was no neglect and scrapped arguments like what Mingyu and Wonwoo were having. What they had was raw and real. They argued like normal couples but Soonyoung was a firm believer of talking it out. Jihoon, on the other hand, was a firm believer of Soonyoung. He devoted himself to Soonyoung as he had previously done in the other relationship. The only difference was that Soonyoung’s top priority was also Jihoon’s happiness. They were two selfless people who selfishly loved each other. It worked. It worked too well and perhaps, too fast.

It was Soonyoung’s first week in his internship and the older had been so stressed from work. This led to a particularly steamy sex, which led Jihoon whimpering as Soonyoung dominated him. Soonyoung continued to tease him the younger man, continuously bringing him to edge only to deny him of his euphoria. Finally, after the two had found their released, Jihoon had expected the older to promptly roll over and succumb to sleep. Soonyoung, on the other hand, was still gazing at Jihoon with his twinkling onyx eyes. Jihoon was perched on the elder’s study table, shaking legs wrapped around the other. Soonyoung hadn’t pulled out, hadn’t uttered a word after coming desperately and loudly. Instead, his hold on Jihoon’s lithe body loosen and he flexed his body. Jihoon held still, momentarily confused. Soonyoung pressed his lip on the sides of Jihoon’s torso, then to Jihoon’s inner arms. To his embarrassment, Soonyoung was kissing Jihoon’s stretch marks. He tried to pull away but the older tightened his hold him before catching his lips and whispering with such fervor, “I love you.”

Jihoon’s heart swelled from the absolute honesty and sincerity enveloped in Soonyoung’s words. His tears escaped his eyes as he held the other closer and sang like a prayer, “I love you too.”

 

 

 

“I’m not.” Jihoon huffed, grip on the pan tightening as the memories threatened to overcome him.

“Sure, sure.” Jisoo responded, unconvinced. He turned on the TV and opened a can of soda. Jihoon ignored him and continued to finish his simple dish of red pasta.

“Are you not gonna make me some?” Jisoo questioned once Jihoon had placed the pasta onto a plate.

He shook his head, grabbed a fork, and proceeded to his room.

“Are you seriously just gonna go into you room to eat when I’ve come all the way here?” Jisoo asked exasperatedly as Jihoon turned the knob.

He shrugged, “At least you aren’t that thick to discover that one.” He, at least, paused and looked at Jisoo with empty eyes.

Jisoo sighed, “Stop being a brat. That’s Seungcheol’s job.”

At the mention of the taller man, Jihoon remembered last night’s events and his blood started to boil. “No, Seungcheol’s job is being the emotionless puppet that you and Mingyu can coddle.” He snapped.

As Jisoo’s bright face fell, Jihoon instantly regretted his words. Yet the truth had been spoken and he was too angry to take them back and apologize.

Jisoo’s jaw hardened before he calmly spoke, “That’s true. Your job is to be the alcoholic and slutty one, well on the road to self-destruction.”

“If that’s supposed to offend me then it didn’t work. I might be doing stupid things but at least I’m aware of them.” Jihoon huffed.

Jisoo’s gaze remained detached as he said, “That only makes it worse. You’re aware yet you’re not even making any effort to change. Fuck, Soonyoung would be so disappointed in you.”

Jihoon’s plate fell on the floor with a loud thud. “Get the fuck out of my apartment before I drag you out myself. None of you have any fucking right to tell me how Soonyoung would feel. Because he’s not here. He’s not here anymore, and it’s all your fucking fault!”

 

What was more painful? Seungcheol cheating on Jeonghan that eventually led to their break-up. Hurtful words were their final exchange. Sure, Seungcheol must have been in severe distress but he knew that he did it to himself, did it to them. That he was, to a certain extent, at fault of the situation they were in. When Jeonghan had left, a small part of him knew that he was responsible and that might be their last interaction because of what he had done.

Jihoon, on the other hand, was sleeping peacefully beside Soonyoung. It had been an exhausting week for the both of them so they had decided to forego their demanding night activities and settled for cuddling instead. Jihoon’s winter break was around the corner and Soonyoung’s taking a couple of days off work so that the couple can visit Jihoon’s family in Busan. They had planned the trip recently and Jihoon was telling Soonyoung how they could have sex in the beach without his parents knowing. The taller had mused that Jihoon had become an exhibitionist as a result of gaining self-confidence gone extreme. Jihoon had laughed ~~giggled~~ his denial and slowly fell asleep to Soonyoung’s warm breath on his neck and Soonyoung’s long fingers playing with his hair.

Little did he know that that was the last conversation he would ever have with Soonyoung. The last time he would feel Soonyoung’s skin against his. The last time he would be in the arms of his love. You see, all Jihoon did was fall asleep. There was no argument, no mistakes, no sudden rainstorm. Everything was perfect. Hence, everything hereafter should have been perfect too.

Yet it wasn’t.

Because when Jihoon woke up after that slumber, Soonyoung was gone.

Permanently.

Jihoon could never see his infectious smile again. Jihoon could never hear his earnest chuckles again. Jihoon could never feel his warm hands intertwined again. Jihoon could never be whole again, not after he lost the man who saved him, who completed him, who loved him irrevocably.

What was more painful? Knowing that you’ve hurt your lover and then never seeing them again? Or was it having your happiness snatched away in a blink of an eye when all you’ve done was cherish and love him?

 

Jihoon was destroyed. There was no amount of alcohol or sex that could help ease the pain, could help him heal. Yet those short moments when he could hear and see Soonyoung made him feel alive more than anything else. Every day was an excruciating loop of hatred and despair, when Soonyoung wasn’t by his side. To hold his hand, to hug him tight, to love him unconditionally.

 

It was early dawn when Jihoon heard a loud thud from their shared bathroom. Still dazed and hang-over, he scrambled to his feet and opened the bathroom door. What he saw shook him to the core: it was Seungcheol, on the floor, covered with blood with a blade in his hand.

It was Seungcheol, finally giving in to the misery that had consumed them both.

 _It was Seungcheol, the one who killed Jeonghan and Soonyoung._ A small part of Jihoon’s brain murmured.

A desperate and warm voice broke Jihoon from his silent turmoil, _“Call the ambulance. Call Mingyu. Save him.”_ Soonyoung begged Jihoon.

 

**Author's Note:**

> *hands you tissues*  
> I don't feel like this is a worthy sequel but here you go anyways. I hope you like it :) There will be a sequel featuring Mingyu and Wonwoo! YOUR QUESTIONS WILL BE ANSWERED IN THE SEQUEL I PROMISE and if it's not, i will answer them personally!  
> Also I AM IN LOOOVE IN LOVEEE WITH YOU MADE MY DAWN, especially Home and Hug! STREAM AND SUPPORT!


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